Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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