I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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