I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
either way he was missing a nipple.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
