I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
