I accidentally burped into my bong.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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