I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Randomize
