What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
