i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
