Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
