He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
