Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
