I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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