ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
