im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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