my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
