I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
