Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
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I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
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She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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