When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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