Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
