First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
