my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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