Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
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