Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
