our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
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i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
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Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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