Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
