My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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