I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Houston, we have a squirter
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
