I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
