i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
