I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
