It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
