woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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