Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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