I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
