i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
