i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
