I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
