The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
