I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
