We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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