I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
