i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
