i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
