Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
this will be a night to untag.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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