oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
