i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
