You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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