if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
