margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
