Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
