Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
