I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
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He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
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Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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