after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
