we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
