How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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