I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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