She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
