Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
