I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
